Sunday, February 21, 2010

In dreams

I was talking to a friend about dreams yesterday and the discussion covered whether they were prophetic, the key to past lives or as many scientists believe - brain farts. So, here's a description of a dream I had last night - what do you think?

I was going to see a movie at a cineplex and just as I was about to leave this frickin' messed up terminator turns up fully armed saying no one can leave the cinema.

With his red eyes glowing, he said we needed to go and watch more movies as he needed to talk to each of us individually. Everyone goes back into the cinema and takes their seats but I try to escape through an exit door but it is locked (as are all the others). So, then I sneak out of the movie theatre, past the terminator and I can see what he is doing - he is conducting experiments on all the movie goers.

By this time, things get weird because the cinema has turned into a courthouse and I am now Don Cheadle. So I go to the judge's chambers where I find a secret exit where I have to break a window to escape.

At this point, when I get outside I run into Sarah Palin who says she's going to tell the terminator I escaped. I accuse her of being in collusion with the terminator and I'm going to expose her. And then I wake up...

I am not making this up but I certainly hope that this one is prophetic.


Monday, February 15, 2010

Get off my lawn, goddarnit...

I suddenly realised I'm a cranky old man because all these things annoy me...

1. The leaf blower guy next door who has a two square metre concrete box to leaf blow. Somehow, this leaf blower sounds like a 747 landing and when he runs out of leaves, he just stands there revving the engine for half an hour.

2. The neighbour directly opposite him likes to wash down his paths AFTER it rains. He's only beaten by the guy next door to him who hoses down his car WHILE it rains.

3. The pan flute buskers. I've seen them in every city around the world but yet wherever they are, they never fail to remind me how much they totally suck. I really needed to hear El Condor Pasa one more time.

4. No thanks to Simon and Garfunkel for making El Condor Pasa famous and making every pan flute player in the world play it endlessly at volumes no ipod can drown out.

5. Hey man, park your car in a clearway during peak hour and make my bus trip blow out from 10-15 minutes to an hour. Thanks dude. I implore the bus driver to stop the bus and let me out so I can key your car but they just won't let me. Why? He's running behind schedule because of you, moron!

I don't know why these things are driving me crazy but they have all tested my patience in the last 24 hours. Maybe giving up chocolate wasn't such a great idea.



PS Australia has officially jumped the shark. This is big news... (sigh)


Sunday, February 14, 2010

Game of Pricks

I might complain about this for a while. Get ready.

I recently got approval for a loan to buy a small property in Sydney. My plan was to buy a small one bedroom flat in the area where I live. The idea is based on a) spending a lot of money on rent that could be put towards my own mortgage and b) the joyous notion that I'd never, ever have to deal with a real estate agent again. I'm sorry but after eighteen years of renting and being treated like shit consistently by these super villains of commerce has made me extremely bitter. I have long held belief that if there was a nuclear war, the only things which would survive would be cockroaches and real estate agents - cockroaches being the more evolved of the two. This shiny suited pricks would rise from the ashes of humanity's destruction and immediately start talking about a nuclear ravaged landscape as a 'fixer-upper.'

Things have been harder than I expected. Firstly, Sydney is not only suffering from a rental crisis but a home shortage too so the hundreds of people attending a house showing is no different than the hundreds of people attending a rental showing. Secondly, real estate agents knowing someone will buy even the most derelict of shit-holes don't have to pretend to be nice so the difference between a renter and a buyer is no different - they're just pricks to everyone.

Next up, three days after I receive loan approval, this news article appears in the paper. Probably written by some Marrickville real estate agent, it starts trumpeting my suburb will be the next Paddington and invest there NOW! So that plan of sneaking onto the property ladder in sleepy old Marrickville has been destroyed. Thanks corporate media for that! No doubt this will add another 20% to prices in Marrickville as ALL the real estate agents in the area have the article in their front window.

Further, all the houses/flats are now online which is great but often they won't tell you how much they cost. You ring the real estate agency - "I'm sorry I don't know how much that is, it's best to ask the agent at the showing." You turn up to the showing and it's $100,000 more than you can afford. Thanks for wasting my time. They also do that thing where they list studios as one bedroom flats (I'm not going to sleep next to my fridge - it's not going to happen people) and generally misrepresent everything about the residence. Fixer-upper is new code for crack den.

Anyhow, this will teach me for getting involved in this fiasco called home ownership. A recent study found that all property in Sydney is 50% over valued compared to it's international counterparts. I can by a shit hole in Marrickville got $290,000 or an apartment in Berlin for $90,000. What am I doing here, it's madness...

Anyhow, I'll keep you informed of my progress, if any is made...


Tuesday, February 2, 2010