Apocalypse This Afternoon

Just as the sun was setting today, we got hit by this big rain storm which bathed Marrickville in these golden apocalyptic hues. Very pretty and very eerie...


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Jump, jump

I've read two articles in the last 24 hours that have used the phrase "jump the shark." If you don't know the term you haven't been reading enough wanky, self referential cultural theory of late. From the ever reliable Wikipedia, it:

denotes the point in a TV show or movie series' history where the plot veers off into absurd story lines or out-of-the-ordinary characterizations. This usually corresponds to the point where a show with falling ratings apparently becomes more desperate to draw in viewers. In the process of undergoing these changes, the TV or movie series loses its original appeal. Shows that have "jumped the shark" are typically deemed to have passed their peak.

The term is a direct reference to Happy Days when the Fonz literally jumps a shark in what was deemed one of the stupidest plot lines in television history (it probably was until the creation of Knightrider). The thing is that the term "jump the shark" can be related to other areas of life. For example, I would contend that world politics jumped the shark when the US elected Ronald Reagan as President, elevating a knucklehead celebrity into the most powerful office in the world at the height of the Cold War (subsequent seasons featuring Bush and Howard showed just how bad that show had gotten). Warfare jumped the shark with the use of nuclear weapons (a shameless grab for ratings), sports jumped the shark when Bangladesh beat Australia in cricket (that still makes me laugh) and...


...music jumped the shark with the invention of the keytar.

Which brings me to the question of when humanity jumped the shark? Some may argue the industrial revolution, Hitler or the Phantom Menace. However, I would contend that humanity jumped the shark when John Lennon was shot. Here was this undoubtedly fallible guy who'd made some great music and done something constructive with his celebrity and someone decided it'd be a good idea to shoot him. At that point, humanity got desperate and our ratings have been sliding ever since...

The only question left for me is when I jumped the shark? I am trying to pinpoint the exact moment I became a shadow of my former self and became just a shallow parody... Maybe it was when I admitted to myself I liked that Kelly Clarkson song? Or when I ran head on into a steel pole? Or when I started a blog? (HA!) Surely I've done stupider things than that. I'll keep you informed on my musings and if I come up with a definitive answer, I'll let you know...

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Stil sick...

Just talk amongst yourselves... (above from here).

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Touch me...

Remember the weather man I bitched about in the last post? Well, he is quickly rising to the top of my shit list (currently number 17 with a bullet just behind Delta Goodrem - does this woman have to be on every single advertisement on Australian television? Note to advertisers: employing Delta Goodrem to shill your wares does not convince me to buy your product, it convinces me to firebomb your headquarters... just joking... maybe... I'm delirious with illness at the moment and obviously watching way too much day time TV).

However, I digress. The reason the weatherman is in my bad books is because I've been laid up with the flu since Saturday. I do not believe it is of the swine variety and if it is, it's probably more akin to a 19th century romance novel swine, the Mr Wickham variety of the strain if you will.

Anyhow, I'm the worst sick person ever - pretty whiny, grumpy and wanting my Mum so all I can say is that it's for the best that I live alone. I'm hoping today will be the last day where I feel too sick to leave the house but you might get lucky...

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A picture of some food for sale in Hong Kong

On a side note, I also have to comment on Masterchef Australia. I quite like this show because it makes me aspire to cook (ie buy) some nice food. However, they are in Hong Kong at the moment which is awesome but I have one question? Does every second sentence on the show have to feature the words Hong Kong? Seriously, every sentence seems to go:

"We woke up in Hong Kong and couldn't believe how beautiful Hong Kong was, I can't wait to cook some Hong Kong dishes in Hong Kong ad infinitum..."

I know they have sponsors they have to appease etc but I seriously lost count of how many times they said it last night. If I had to take a shot every time they said those two words, I'd be in hospital for liver failure. Seriously, let it go, we know where you are...

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Harnessed in the slums...

Thanks to the weather forecaster who said there would be the possibility of a light shower today - you've just made my shit list. I went out this morning to get this book that Katie was talking about on her blog and ended up in the middle of some sort of biblical plague-era rains sans umbrella or shelter. Thanks dude.

So, wet and sodden, I made my way home to watch this film Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. It's this quirky comedy about two indie kids falling in love except for one problem - it's entirely unwatchable. Nick is just that guy from Arrested Development playing the same character he played in Juno, Superbad, and I suspect Year One (which has just come out) getting over the heartbreak of his school age girlfriend (eww!). Norah is supposed to be this sassy indie grrl with attitude but is just unrelentingly cute (ie annoying) and if she's supposed to be so smart, I don't know why she'd want to date George Michael Bluth.

Anyhow, this comes off as a noughties Singles. Remember that film - whenever the action flagged Cameron Crowe just got Alice in Chains to play in the background. This film is like that except Alice in Chains is now Bishop Allen so nobody cares (who? exactly!). I got about half an hour in and had to stop. You're on the list too, Nick and Norah...

So with nothing else to do I resorted to more craft projects:





This is Thunder Eater and Ripsey the Pirate. Unfortunately, Ripsey has a problem with his arm which is permanently in the Go West pose. Both of them are awesome.

Right, I'm going to get drunk...

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The Fear

Nothing says single man with too much time on his hands than the word craft (no fear of dying alone here - please kill me). Anyhow, as threatened, after the relative success of my paper Dave and Josh, I was going to make some more little paper men from this website. So this is the first one:





Ready Mech call him Furrybird but I've renamed him Hannibal after Col. John "Hannibal" Smith from the A-Team - he was always chewing on a cigar too.

Goddamn - I need to stop eating Special K and get out of the house...

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Morning View

Sydney Uni, 7:20am.

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Merchandise

My boss thoughtfully bought this back from a careers expo for high school students for me. The text on the left says "Can you handle the pressure of a white collar job?" Yes, this is a snap-on wrist band advertising careers in the clergy designed to look like priest collar. Fortunately, my neck is too thick for it to fit around.


I think the scary thing was that people from the Church were going up to kids and snapping these bands around their arms to get their attention. I don't care what your religion is, I don't think priests should be slapping collars on children. It's just not cool, ok...

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Special K-hole challenge update: I started the week heavy and the further I get into the challenge I get heavier. WHAT IS GOING ON? No sugar, daily exercise - haven't I suffered enough? It is also affecting my sleeping and my lust for chocolate is bordering on perversity. This better be a good article...

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Special K-hole

In my capacity as a Blanket writer, I am currently undertaking the 14 day Special K challenge for a story. This essentially means every day I must exercise for half an hour and eat healthy food including at least one bowl of Special K.

Just between you and me, I could be dead before this thing ends. I'm only on day 2 and I woke from a heavy sleep with the night terrors - I think this was a direct result of not having sugar for a day (oh yeah, sugar is my smack). While I am the first to admit I'm growing a little mid-life belly - I'm hardly obese and I find Australia's obsession with weight vaguely absurd. Then, I would say that, I don't have any fat kids (HA!)... OK, that's a cheap shot, you can punch me in the face for that.

I have a slight addiction to chocolate and when I say slight I mean I can eat a family block of chocolate faster than it took you to read this sentence. As such, I'll be curious to see what happens. I'm expecting something like this:

Well, maybe not quite like that but something similar. Hallucinations at the very least and then by day six I'll probably go on a wild crime spree stealing mars bars from children... It could get ugly. I'll keep you informed...

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Faith no more...

Sorry, I know its lame...


Anyhow, I just wanted to share this picture of the weird shit you seeing when walking around your neighbourhood. Ponies... who has ponies in Marrickville?

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The real thing

Forgive me for a burst of nostalgia but one of my favourite concert experiences was seeing Faith No More at the Alternative Nation Festival in 1995. I missed my spot upfront so I tried to find a better position. Sadly, all the good space was gone except for this one spot where a small lake had formed from the all day rains. Surely, no one would be stupid enough to stand in a giant pool of water for an hour and a half set. So, once I'd waded out to the middle I found I had a pretty good view. Soon, this other kid joined me and we danced, stomped , sang and high fived each other as the band played all the songs we loved. Absolutely covered in mud but happy I made my way home... It was like a moment out of Singles... Ahhh, the 90's...

Liking Faith No More is probably uncool now (if it ever was) but I've spent the morning watching a stream of their second show since reforming after eleven years. A lot of reformed bands do it for the money and FNM are probably no different. But watching this show I'm surprised by a) how well these songs have aged, b) the band is tight as well as committed to the performance and c) how uncompromising the band is by playing long stretches of non-singles which would bewilder or bore the casual fan. If you came to see Epic, you'd have to work for it. I mean, who else would open an eagerly anticipated rock show with a pitch perfect rendition of the Peaches & Herb cheese classic, Reunited?

The reason I like Faith No More is that they were never obvious, never easy and always had an underlying sense of humour to their music (something sadly lacking in the 90s AND they never became faux grunge during its rise like a number of other bands). That combination of elements always made their music compelling and at their best (Angel Dust), unmistakably brilliant. Sure, you gotta love the rock to enjoy them but FNM were the weird, bizarre uncle that you always admired and even though you weren't really sure if they were sincere or snarkily taking the piss, you were glad they were around. Oh well, at least one person (ME!) is happy they're back...

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Its the end of the world as we know it...

We're all gonna die and apparently its going to look like this!

According to this report, Venus is going to collide with Earth and its going to be ba-bye to everything living on the planet. Pretty scary... except its not going to happen for another 1.5 billion years. I think this is where long range projections get a bit silly.

Anyhow, the reason I bring this up is that my favourite astronomy story of the last year was that this guy discovered this star which is on the verge of exploding. It could be tomorrow, it could be in 10,000 years (short time universe wise) BUT if its in the right orbit a huge blast of gamma rays will race towards us and destroy everything living on Earth (sound familiar). But here's the interesting part: the star is six light years away so we will know for approximately six years that the world is going to end.

So, if we did know the world was going to end in six years (if we make it past 2012), what would happen to society? Would it descend into anarchy, a Mad Max-esque wasteland with everyone racing around in V8 Interceptors and wearing leather? Would it be a crazy Utopian state of drinking, sex and ultimate pleasure until the end? Would it be the (further) rise fundamentalist doomsday cults? Or would it be (as I suspect) everyone would continue on as normal hoping the Government will fix it so there's no need to panic? Trains would run, stocks would trade and we'd see out our remaining days as if nothing was happening.

I don't know about you but I'd probably buy a lot of gin, a West Wing box set (still haven't watched it) and head to the hills...

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The hope that house built

You: Hey Jon, what up?

Jon: Nothing too much. Sorry, I haven't been blogging but I had a big project at work I had to finish and while most of it was completed a little while back, a major hurdle was overcome today so I'll have a lot more energy for my... urm... life.

You: Cool man. I don't really want to bring it up but are you a little drunk?

Jon: Yup.

You: But dude, its like 3:30pm... its a little early on a work day.

Jon: I know but after the proposal got passed through a certain committee, my colleagues and I had a slightly boozy lunch. After which, I decided to use my flex time and head home to drink more.

You: Whatcha drinking Jon?


Jon: Sweet gin of course!

You: Cool, so does that mean you might do some more blogging soon?

Jon: Why certainly. Since this has gone through I'll probably be a little less cranky and a lot more fun. Actually I'm quite happy today.

You: Because you're drunk...


Jon: Probably but it seems a long time since something went my way. I feel a bit like the people in this song - "come join our hopeless cause." Anyhow, I have plans to make some more crafty stuff.

You: Like what?



Jon: After my last attempts at making Dave and Josh, I saw this page on Blanket so I'm going to make some of those as well.

You: Cool.

Jon: Hey, thanks for checking in. I really appreciate you checking out the blog.

You: My pleasure.

Jon: No, really, the pleasure is all mine...

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Kids Will Be Skeletons...

Hey, here's a rocket. In unrelated news, I figure if you're going to have kids you might as well give them stupid names. Why not? - they'll be bludging off you for the rest of your life. However, my heart died just a little when I heard a couple calling for their child in the supermarket today. "Matisse" they called... "Matisse..." until a blonde haired little scamp appeared. Unfortunately, it was a girl. Can someone explain why you would call your daughter Matisse? Is it a French girl's name? Seriously, there's nothing more bogan than calling out for a girl named Matisse at the Marrickville Metro on a Saturday afternoon...

UPDATE: Apparently, you can call your daughter Matisse according to this site. It says if I like the name Matisse, I should also consider calling my imaginary daughter Providence... The only thing I'm considering is a vasectomy...



In the alternative world of unreality, I picked up a cheap skate game for my xbox. This is what I look like in the Tony Hawk universe - kinda handsome and kinda like I've been on a six month speed binge. Isn't that the lead singer of the Offspring?

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Police story...

Its the old bill, valiantly saving us from a fallen power line...


...the only bummer about this situation is the traffic jam on the right hand side - that's the road my bus comes down... goddamnit!

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Maybe dancing will help...

Must watch...

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Pictures in a magazine

Hey there, just letting you know there is a new edition of Blanket out. I've got two pieces in it, an interview with Neil McCann and me venting about self portraits (basically indulging my long held dislike of Picasso). Actually, that's a bit of a low point but this is no doubt Blanket's finest edition thus far so check it out (it costs $2 but you can afford it - its like 140 pages of beauty).

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Spam, spam, spam

"Dear Commonwealth Bank of Australia account holder,

Due to the current and expanding financial crisis that is afecting the economies and the banking systems of the countries worldwide, we are forced to undertake measures to verify the accounts in the system and shut down the accounts that have not been operational in the past 6 months or that have no tranzaction in the above mentioned amount of time."


My friend, if you're going to try and scam me, do me a favour - a. pick a bank I actually have an account with and b. use spellcheck.

Thank you.

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