Season's greetings

About a week ago, I read (and subsequently became obsessed with) this article which basically explores the similarity of shark behaviour to that of a serial killer. Apparently, great whites stalk their prey rather than it being a random attack. For example, sharks have swam past other swimmers to take out a person closer to shore or have knocked other swimmers or surfers out of the way to get to a person when it would have been easier to eat someone closer. More scary, they get all Ted Bundy about it and hunt the same spot and observe their prey from a distance before attacking.

What does this mean? Well, it means that Jaws 4: The Revenge is probably the most misunderstood and awesome movie of all time. In a nutshell, the plotline of Jaws 4 is that the family of Brody (Roy Scheider in the original movie) is being picked off one by one by a vengeful shark. They even go from Amity to the Bahamas and the shark follows the family and keeps killing them! Good times.


Currently, Jaws 4 ranks a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes and of the reviews listed, "No review available" was probably the most favourable thing written about it. However, in light of the new research, it's obvious that what I thought was one of the stupidest movies of all time is in fact a brilliant analysis of shark behaviour and adds a cautionary tale to anyone who has ever eaten fish and chips. Sharks know - alright, they just know and if you stray into their kill zone, you're history. Good job I don't swim in the ocean. Enjoy your summer at the beach!

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And the name of my first novel is...

You heard it here first...

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Some songs of the year...

Some songs that weren't on the albums I listed below (for the record - my favourits song was Superchunk's My Gap Feels Weird).


Cee Lo-Green - Fuck You
So many levels of awesome it's hard to comprehend I could put this on at my staff Christmas party and no one would notice. Did I do this? Possibly.


Kate Nash - Do-Wah-Do
I do love my girly pop and this song just makes me smile.


Isobel Campbell & Mark Lanegan - You Won't Let Me Down Again
I never really got on board with this collaboration because really, I just want lot's of Mark Lanegan - ta dah!


Kanye West - Power
I'm a fan of Kanye but I've only listened to his album a couple of times so while there's some awesome stuff on there, I'm yet to make up my mind on how good it is. However, I think this song (as well as Runaway) is brilliant.


How to Destroy Angels - A Drowning
This song is great ipod fodder for when you're out and about. Low key but engaging putting you in that aloof mood to deal with the general public. The other thing I love about this band is that it's essentially Nine Inch Nails with a female singer which seems to drive NIN fans barmy and somehow, I find that very enjoyable.

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Best of the year - the final bit...

Jonsi - Go
Jonsi is responsible for one song that always makes me cry - this one. However, my interest in Sigur Ros has waned of late but this album is uniformly excellent. There are still a few weepy numbers but there is a vibrancy and buoyancy to this album which is infectious and weird. Comparing Jonsi to Bjork is redundant (I don't want to put them in some Icelandic ghetto) but there is something they both share - total awesomeness.


Grinderman - Grinderman 2
A lot of people talk about Grinderman as an outlet for Nick Cave's angry id which has been repressed by the Bad Seeds increasing sophistication and his penchant for stately ballads. I think that's kind of bullshit because a) Grinderman is made up of Bad Seeds and b) the Bad Seeds can still be fierce both live and on record. This album sounds like the boys messing around in the back shed and as Cave is learning guitar as he goes - Grinderman sounds like the greatest non-adolescent garage band in history. Furious and dirty, this is the sound of Cave re-learning to write in a new form which is fun and detached from his stately history. It's not an angry id, just the sounds of a naughty boy thrashing his guitar in his bedroom.


Broken Bells - Broken Bells
Broken Bells is that guy from the Shins and the dude who did the Jay-Z/Beatles mash up. It is excellent.


Antony and the Johnsons - Swanlights
I generally have two reactions to foreign films: I'm totally entranced or I look at the screen like a monkey trying comprehend physics. For a long time, I was a perplexed monkey when it came to Antony but good timing and the right circumstances made me finally understand the equation. As such, I've been working my way through all his albums over the last year and Swanlights has come as a welcome edition to my listening spree. At times, it's almost as if the songs are secondary to the voice but there is a deep current of beauty and surprisingly, anger running through this album. The highlight for me is the duet with Bjork where two of the most idiosyncratic singers on record trade lines like they're channeling operas from Mars.

Other notable mentions:

You Am I - You Am I: their best album in years.

The Corin Tucker Band - 1000 Years: Not quite Sleater-Kinney but it's still a solid album.

Cee Lo Green - The Lady Killer: Fuck You is a great song and more than makes up for that terrible Band of Horses cover.

Bonobo - Black Sands: Some early '00's electric throwback but really nice.

Isobel Campbell & Mark Lanegan - Hawk: Yeah, that's some good shit there.

Bullshit album of the year.
Sorry Sufjan, but you've gone from orchestral pop magic to obscurist electronic nonsense. May the Age of Adz be brief.

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The best of the year part 2

Sun Kil Moon - Admiral Fell Promises
My heart broke a little this year when I read Mark Kozelek's long term muse, Katy (from Katy Song) had passed away. Having being a big Red House Painters fan, this seemed particularly sad as it had coincided with my falling in love with his music again. There was no denying Carry Me Ohio was an instant classic, it's taken me a long time to really catch onto Sun Kil Moon. Admiral Fell Promises is slightly different as it is largely Kozelek playing Spanish guitar by himself, singing these immaculate lullabies. At times, the guitar lines get a little Spanish-cheesy but everything is anchored by that voice - unmistakable and always haunting - which elevates even the simplest song to a place of beauty.



Spoon - Transference
Spoon is another band that never made much sense to me until I heard Got Nuffin. Then it all clicked into place and the skeletal beats, meandering bass lines and hipster cool suddenly made sense. Go, you hipsters, go!


Sleigh Bells - Treats
Uh-oh, another hipster band. Heavy beats, scorching guitar lines, girly vocals - what's not to love? A bit repetitive but sounds good really, really loud.



The New Pornographers - Together
Last year was officially the year of Neko Case for me so it shouldn't come as a surprise that I'd start exploring the New Pornographers. While I'm yet to be fully converted, I'm totally infatuated with this album because it's Neko doing indie pop with this weird bombastic cello sound which reminds me of ELO (and I don't see this as a bad thing). I keep getting busted whistling along to Crash Years when it's on my ipod - I can't control myself once the whistling begins.

Final four to come later...

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The best of the year part 1

Superchunk - Majesty Shredding
I'm sure people will argue there are better albums this year (I know Kanye West would) but for me, if music is for pure visceral excitement and fun, this is my album of the year. I'm two years shy of my twenty year anniversary with Superchunk - I first heard them at a Livid festival in 1992 and went straight out and bought their albums. Our relationship has had its up's and down's but my Superchunk love is pure. Being their first album in nine years, it delivered a batch of quality tunes far beyond my wildest expectations - it is as the title suggests a record that royally shreds. This album just makes me want to pogo and play air guitar but it also plugs into that feeling of being past any semblance of youth but still wanting to dance. Proving (like Fugazi) that some of your greatest music can be written some twenty years into your career, this album is joyous, raucous and fun and far surpasses any other album I've liked this year.


Arcade Fire - The Suburbs
For a long time, High Violet was the easy winner for album of the year but the Arcade Fire made me re-think this in the past month. Both albums are slow growers that explore different areas of emotion - the National mine the abstract territory of loss and love but the Suburbs explores notions of place, space and time in a way that is simultaneously nostalgic and current. It doesn't matter if in the distant past you were a blonde haired scamp roaming the backstreets with a posse of neighbourhood kids (like myself) or a disaffected indie kid scuffing your checked vans in the 00's - this album explores the notion of belonging, home and escape. I find this album strangely haunting and affecting in ways I don't think I really understand yet but this section from the title track does my head in:

So can you understand
Why I want a daughter while I'm still young
I wanna hold her hand
And show her some beauty
Before this damage is done

The images of buildings from the 70's collapsing hit hard too - not sure why. The other thing I like is that the Suburbs works as a full album that needs to be played in its entirety rather than a bunch of songs with a few I skip. I've always liked the Arcade Fire before but never really loved them. This album makes me love them.


The National - High Violet
I've written pretty extensively why I like this album. I stopped listening to it for a few months but a recent listen made it seem even more powerful - absence makes the heart grow finder I guess. High Violet plugs into a sentiment that is instantly beguiling and affecting. It makes me want to drink wine and talk until 2am about past regrets, the present state of the nation and a future I can barely imagine. It's not for everyone but it's a dark record and a record for adults - and it's waiting for you if you're special enough to listen to it.


Deftones - Diamond Eyes
As I discussed in my last post, I am a bit of a metalhead at heart and I'm unapologetic for this. The Deftones are usually dismissed as a band that came out around the time of Limp Bizkit and are forever tarnished with the Rap-Metal tag. However, any close investigation reveals these allegations to be false. Their sound is equal parts Meshuggah and the Cure and lead singer Chino Moreno has long cited his love of PJ Harvey and Bjork which actually plays out in some of their music. They have at least one classic album to their name (White Pony) and while Diamond Eyes isn't in that league - it is a powerful and brutal record. Rising from a tragedy (their bass player was seriously injured in a car crash), this album has a singular focus that is both aggressive and cathartic. If anything, this band are the heirs to Faith No More - both bands that stretch the limits of the genre while still making you raise your devil horns skyward. If you like heavy music at all and can't appreciate this album, well, go back to listening to Nickelback because this is metal for serious music fans only.

More to come...

I was a teenage metalhead...

I make no secret of the fact I was a teenage metal head. I listened to Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin and nameless other bands until Nirvana swept that all away. To be honest, my allegiance to metal was actually tested earlier when I started to fall in love with Jane's Addiction, Husker Du and Faith No More - all heavy but in other ways to be sure. Even so, I have still listened to Metallica on and off since I was about fourteen. I figure if you're going to listen to a metal band it might as well be a band called Metallica (seriously, if you step away from the legacy of one of the biggest bands in the world and look objectively at the name, it's pretty stupid). So, this last Monday I got to see Metallica live for the first time...

I have to admit I was a bit trepidatious about it at first. I mean there is a part of me that clings to the Metallica of my teens (1988 on the Hetfield mullet watch above) - the lion maned front man who chugs jagermeister on stage with EET FUK inscribed on his guitar while leading a cyclonic, humourless riff monster through eight minute songs about pain and suffering - like, awesome! My eternal teenager loves those guys - I mean, come on, their nick name was Alcoholica! I remember when they toured with Justice For All in the 80's and there was a riot which resulted in running battles between fans and police. That's how serious it was back then. Metal or death! Metal up your ass! METAL METAL METAL! My concern was that the post-therapy Metallica would be more Master of Ceremonies (Hello Cleveland!) than Master of Puppets (I'm your source of self-destruction!).

I need not have worried. Even though James Hetfield kept yelling out "Hello Brisssssbane YEAH!", the great thing everyone forgets about metal is that it is both fun and hilarious (unless you are a boy aged 14-18 and then it's very, very serious indeed). So I sang along to most of the songs, threw some devil horns and had a great time. I bounced up and down to my favourites (BA-TER-RY!) and scoured my memory for songs long forgotten (I couldn't remember Motorbreath off Kill 'em all for the life of me). And just to make me feel better about missing the old days, they played a 10 minute version of the angular riff, tricky time signature dour fest which is the title track of And Justice For All... - let's face it, if I was fourteen, I would have loved but at 37, I was looking for the exits. That ten minutes made me miss the all-entertainment Metallica which soon came back. They even dropped big black Metallica balloons (Metalliballs as I like to think of them) during Seek and Destroy - this shit was off the hook.

My second source of trepidation was that I was going to see them in bogan heartland - Brisbane. The thought of a 15,000 black clad bogan army descending upon me was a little horrifying. Would I get eaten alive? Would they notice that I wasn't metal enough? I shouldn't have worried because the crowd were the best bit of the night. I don't think I have laughed so hard at a concert because bogans love metallica like indie kids love skinny jeans and irony. I don't want to come across as mean but it was their enjoyment of the show that made it just that much more fun for me and my brother who went. Firstly, there was a guy dancing to the left of us like Magda Szubanski in this video...

Seriously, you kind of see people doing that dance in old countdown episodes - some form of primitive bogan waltz.

It was hilarious but I noticed the guys to the left of me laughing at him. I thought this was a bit rich as they were rocking back and forth in unison playing air guitar (like Status Quo). It was a hair farming frenzy as the moves they had been perfecting in their bedrooms for the last 20 years were finally on show in a place that they would be accepted. Bad dance guy was just as moved by the music but at least he wasn't pretentious about it? Pretentious how? Well, metal dudes on the left all had obscure metal band shirts on (you don't need to know who Voivod is) and stood stoney faced with arms folded when they played anything off the Black album (you know, when Metallica sold out) - a sure sign that they were serious fans, not like the rest of us posers. Metal dudes also had one other signature move which was to thrust their fist in the air at a right angle at the end of an awesome line in each song (the move is similar to a body builder flexing his arm muscle while raising it in a metal salute). I'd like to think of it as "By the power of Thor" move. It was apparent that they had either caucused earlier or they all thought the same lines were amazing as they all fist thrusted in unison too.

The last guy I'd mention was in the stands and he reverted to some primal monkey-like state - bare chested holding on to a rail and jumping up and down and screaming. Did I mention that monkey had been infected by the rage virus from 28 days later? Madness, I tell you, madness. But there was many examples of this kind of behaviour and I stayed weeeeeeeeeell away from the moshpit.

BTW if you see me, I'm happy to re-enact any of these moves for your amusement.

Sadly, I have no photos as I left my camera at home but be rest assured that my hearing is still destroyed and yes, I'm listening to Metallica as I type this but the Black album because I'm a sell out...

\m/
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The Rules Part 1: The Bus

(I recently wrote some rules about road trips for Blanket Magazine and in my spare time I've written some more rules for life that I'll post here occasionally).

Through necessity and convenience I catch buses most days. The reason is twofold, a) there is a bus stop at the end of my street and b) I find it harder for youth gangs to beat and rob me on a bus (they seem to dedicate their lives to train travel thankfully). However, even though bus travel is relatively common, some people seem to be baffled by the concept of communal transportation. So much so they make decisions that can only be described as stupid. As such, here’s the rules for the bus.

What? There’s a bus a-coming?
Hey lady, I take it from the fact that you are standing at a bus stop, flagging down and then entering a bus, you actually want to catch one. So why is it that you get on and then take out your tardis-like handbag and spend five minutes rummaging around for change? Are you surprised you have to pay for a ticket? Listen, there’s only two people who travel for free on the bus and that’s Kanye West and crazy people. I ain’t never seen Kanye on the 426 to Newtown but I’ve seen a lot of crazy people. Do me a favour and just have your fare ready before the bus gets there.

Baaaah
So there’s no seats on the bus so you stand - but where do you stand? Logic dictates that you move to the back of the bus to allow more people on and (spoiler alert) you actually have more chance of getting a seat if you’re standing near them. However, most people like to crowd around the middle exit because, obviously, that’s where it’s the most inconvenient for people trying to get off the bus. Seriously, this little flock of moronic sheep mutter and curse when you have to basically force your way by them because they’re blocking the exit. Hey dickhead, you’re a walking-talking OH&S liability, move out of the goddamn way!

Sitting isn’t hard
There are numerous places to sit on a bus but unbeknown to many, there are a bunch of different styles of sitting. Let me break them down for you.

1. The Normal Intelligent Human Position: tries to sit in a way that allows the people around them maximum comfort.

2. The Real Estate Agent position: They sit on a seat but they put their bag, box or whatever on the seat next to them and refuse to move it. ‘Hey mate, is your inanimate object having a great trip? Too bad that 80 year old woman has to stand up while your bag enjoys the ride.’ Short of taking a canoe on the bus, you should make room for anything with a pulse over your possessions. If you want personal space, buy a car so you can have your own four wheeled mobile bedroom for all I care. Another variant of this loser will take up the pram/wheelchair space oblivious to the struggling mother angling their pram around them.

3. I am a Dickhead position: So the bus has two seats next to each other near a window but you choose to sit in the aisle one to, say, avoid the sun or you’re getting off soon. You’re silently thinking ‘If they want a seat, they just have to ask.’ Well, fuck you, I ain’t no mind reader, I just see a rude prick who is taking up more space than they need. The only caveat is that you’re getting off in a couple of stops and if that’s the case you should offer to get up for people if you’re so bloody vigilant about your upcoming stop.

4. The Mighty Penis position: Why is it some men have to sit with there legs so far apart they take up half the seat next to them? Dude, if you’re that well endowed that you have to sit like that, I’d seriously consult a doctor. That ain’t normal, it sounds like Elephantitis of the penis. Just close your legs moron...

5. The Princess position: This is when you have two seats together and the person sits in the middle of the two, arse cheek firmly planted on both. It’s a clever ruse because it’s not clear which seat they’re sitting on, do you perch yourself on the edge or ask them to move? Most people tend to do neither and look resentfully at this idiot hogging two seats to themselves.

6. The Emperor position: I call this the Emperor because generally it is always assumed by men. They sit in the middle seat of the back row, leg’s spread wide making it impossible to get past them to the other seats. So they sit there, surveying the land like a conquering fascist dictator and take up five seats instead of one. They also like to open the air vents in some wanton act of machismo which I can only guess is because they can’t open the window and put their head out the window like a dog. See Fido sit, see Fido drool...

The solution to all this is to ask people to move and I do and often and if they are reluctant I push past them. There you go, rudeness in you promotes rudeness in me. If you just had even the vaguest sense of what was going on around you and some common courtesy, I wouldn’t have noticed any of this and I could be writing a novel or something...

IPods are awesome
IPods are awesome. I cannot think of a single piece of technology that has improved my life in every way like the iPod has (except for when I go prematurely deaf at age 40 - 3 years and counting). I’m no audiologist but if I have earphones on listening to Fugazi and you’re sitting on the other side of the bus with headphones on and I can still hear your music, I’d say that’s because you’ve got it on TOO LOUD. Worse still is that some mobile music devices have speakers so at times I have had to endure other people’s crappy music taste. Did I really want to hear the Cranberries at 7:30am in morning on my way to work? And I think that junkie who played I wish I was a Punk Rocker fifteen times in a row must regret that now... surely? It's more offensive to me that people have such terrible taste in music than the noise aspect but they go hand in hand I guess. Keep your shit music in the closet people and turn it down.

Thank your driver
Everyday and in every way I see bus drivers deal with a lot of crazy people in what seems like a pretty thankless job. I don’t know if they notice or care but a simple thank you might stop that driver snapping one day and driving a full bus load of commuters over a cliff one day. Just says 'thanks driver, you're awesome.'

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37

So, I'm 37 and that's weird. It's weird because when I was 20 I couldn't even imagine being 35 so technically I have am now living in a period of my life which was previously beyond my imagination - holy shit! It's weird though because I'm still throwing devil horns and playing air guitar to Superchunk in my lounge room like when I was 20 so maybe nothing has changed. Well, that's not true - everything has changed.

I've just had a very reflective week where everything I did was reminding me of change and mortality. I re-visited my childhood home in New Zealand which I haven't been to in a good 22 years. I lived a reasonably idyllic childhood roaming the streets of a family orientated suburb near a university. There was lots of parkland to explore and university buildings to play war on with my friends. When my sister and I drove past our old home it looked exactly the same except the street had changed dramatically. The suburbs are now predominantly rented to students so the family homes of my youth are now populated with bare chested students lying on the front lawn drinking long necks. It's true, you can never go home unless you're willing to except some arsehole playing Nickelback or something at full bore at 3am. It made that Arcade Fire page all the more pertinent and sad.

I also read Haruki Murakami's What I talk about when I talk about running, which is ostensibly, an exploration of his running, writing, life and encroaching frailty. It made me feel it even more so. While I've been lucky with my health, twice this year I've hurt my back and it aches and aches sometimes regardless of the treatments I get. For some reason this has struck me to my very core because it affects almost everything I do and I've never felt that before. I suddenly feel very mortal and wonder if I've been wasting my time as each passing day takes me further and further away from the clueless 20 year old I was.


That being said, it's not all doom and gloom as there is sweetness is my life and much to be grateful for (two of my favourite things are in this picture). But it's almost as if the clock is ticking that little bit louder and faster. I'm not sure what it all means but I've got a couple of weeks holiday and I think I'm going to dedicate my time to working out what I should be doing next...

However, one thing about my birthday. My friend baked me personalised ginger biscuits which are awesome and yummy and almost all eaten.



Yay - gingerbread!
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Dark was the night

Hi there, it's been a while but I think I needed a break from blogging and some time to be miserable and introspective (AND I wasn't blogging about it - why do I even have a blog?). I'm looking down the barrel of my 37th year on this mortal coil and the eternal "what am I going to do when I grow up?" question has been rattling around the brain. It seems hard to commit to a course of action and when I do it's like the First National Hurdle Association of the Universe is telling me, 'nah, that's not it.' I'm a work in messy progress...

Anyhow, the photo above was taken on a jaunt to Melbania. The main reason of the trip was to see the Tim Burton exhibition. Exhibit A: me and the batmobile...


My lord, the exhibition was fantastic but that guy's world view is bleak. Lot's of happy puppets hiding hideous monsters as well as creepy clowns - I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day in there. Melbourne also provided its requisite footy madness, great food/bars and record shopping. I also discovered some really cool functions on my camera that allowed me to take interesting photos with little to no skill involved. The cream of the crop is on my flickr site HERE.

Today is the first day of some holidays for me and I'm heading over to New Zealand for a week to see my sister. Should be fun, I haven't been there (my hometown) since 1988. They used to have a department store called DIC - I wonder if they've changed that... Anyhow, if I have any interesting adventures, I'll blog the shit out of it.

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Finally - my analysis of Inception is complete!

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Idiot

Sheeeit I've been following my horoscope which said be careful of social networks and don't say too much so I've been avoiding my blog... well, maybe it's really because I've got nothing to say. So, in the absence of having nothing to say I've joined twitter. Read more of my idiocy there...

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Election 2

Seriously, I only have a limited amount of time for sporting contests so after the World Cup, State of Origin and Masterchef, I have zero patience for this upcoming election. It's like watching two lice infested seagulls fight over a piece of mouldy bread - but they're seagulls that hate gay people, migrants(*) and human rights. The race to the bottom is thrilling in it's banality.

What I want to know is this: in the 9o's, the Government defunded higher education and propped it up with international student dollars. These students were lured here with the promise of permanent residency and now that is going to be taken off the table in a frenzy of "we-hate-filthy-migrants-who-probably-eat-babies-and-steal-white-people's-jobs" rhetoric. SO what happens to the students already in the system and secondly, if you destroy the international student market, will you restore funding to higher education?

Anyone?

(crickets)

Carry on then...

*(For the record, I'm a migrant to this country - like pretty much ANYONE who isn't Indigenous).


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Crash years

This is my favourite song off the latest New Pornographers album. It sounds like Neko Case fronting ELO (+ whistling!). How could a thing of such beauty even possibly exist in this world?

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Election

Oh god, not this again... Day 1 and I'm already bored. However, even at this early stage, I can 100% guarantee and commit to the promise that if Tony Abbott wins, I'm moving overseas within a year of the election. And as much as I think it could never happen (I mean Tony Abbott - PRIME MINISTER!!!), this person votes.

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Double rainbow! (updated all the way!)

Yeah, we've all been there...


Now in autotune... I love these videos...

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Soundtrack of Your Life 3: The Curdling!

It was about a year ago I undertook this little exercise where you get your itunes to score the soundtrack to your life. This year, I thought I'd do it again but also do a double feature and re-write the scenes to a horror film so it's not the same every year (YES, it will be an annual event).

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool - first songs only

Opening Credits: Fingers and Toes - Screamfeeder
Waking Up: No Drop to Drink - Astronomy Class
First Day of School: Burnin'/Too Long - Daft Punk
Falling in Love: Ball & Biscuit - White Stripes
Fight Song: The Train from Kansas City - Neko Case
Breaking Up: Gamera - Tortoise
Prom: Banned from the End of the World - Sleater Kinney
Life is Good: Trampoline - The Grates
Mental Breakdown: Pearl's Dream - Bat for Lashes
Driving: The Fall Of The World's Own Optimist - Aimee Mann
Flashback: I Was A Kaleidoscope - Death Cab For Cutie
Getting Back Together: Say Aha - Santogold
Wedding: Colours - Jodi Martin
Paying the Dues: The Life & Death Of Mr. Badmouth - PJ Harvey
The Night Before the War: Santa Maria - Bill Callahan
Moment of Triumph: Time to Pretend - MGMT
Death Scene: Thelonius - Common
Funeral Song: Excitable - Def Leppard
End Credits: Sexy Plexi - Jack Johnson

Oh man - it was going so well until the last two tracks. I was having a nostalgia fit about a month ago and downloaded Def Leppard's Hysteria - serves me right. And Jack Johnson - I thought I'd gotten rid of that pap. Oh well, everything else was pretty cool, except maybe the smooth RnB number for my Death Scene.

But as mentioned, I decided that I'd write my own movie, this time a horror film. Fortunately, most modern horror films are filled up with rap-metal so my one Limp Biscuit song has to come up. So here you go: the soundtrack of my horror movie (The Curdling!) as scored by my itunes:

Opening credits: Welcome Home - Radical Face
Darkness descends: I Found That Essence Rare - Gang of Four
Chased by a maniac and killed in an unexpected way: The Boxer - Simon and Garfunkel
Next day - meeting the protagonists: Temptation (Ft. Alex Turner) - Dizzie Rascal
"Hey, did you hear about that creepy murder?": Uncle Phranc - Team Dresch
Talk of Billy's party at the secluded lake house: Yesterdays - Guns N' Roses
Jeep ride with cheery teens: Hospital - The Lemonheads
Watched from the shadows: Wonderful Life - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Tina goes swimming (uh oh): Tire Me - Rage Against the Machine
"Oh my God! Is that Tina's bloody arm floating in the lake?": Coming Right Along - The Posies
Jeep's tyres are slashed, phone lines are cut, no mobile reception: I Ain't Mad Atcha (Feat. Danny Boy) - Tupac Shakur
Billy walks up the spooky deserted country lane to get help: 1,000,000 - Nine Inch Nails
Billy's decapitated head rolls down a hill: Stay Alive - The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart
BACK INTO THE HOUSE!: Catfish Blues - Skip James
All quiet, plotting an escape: You Never Know - Wilco
Mindy and Jim slip away to the bedroom: Coney Island - Death Cab for Cutie
Did you hear something?: Sextape - Deftones
Jim moves to second base, loses his head in the process: Hot on the Heels of Love - Throbbing Gristle
Teenagers about to have sex in horror movies always die horribly: Lamb On The Lam (In The City) - Band of Horses
Going down a dark corridor where no one can help you or hear you scream: Holy Diver - Dio (DIO!!! YEAH!)
Random token character, get's killed in front of everyone's eyes: Color Me Once - Violent Femmes
RUN! MOTHERFUCKER RUN!: Heidi's Theme - Decoder Ring
Hiding: Carousel - Iron & Wine
The masked man revealed, it was Billy's twin brother Jacob who was always jealous of him: Bring Me Down - Kanye West Feat. Brandy
Surprise attack, escaping Jacob: I Love Buddha - Monkey
Cornered but then unexpectantly Jacob gets killed by Mindy (we thought she was dead!): Wishing Well - Bob Mould
All huddle and console each other: Rid Of Me - PJ Harvey
Back at home, thank God that's over Mom: Mexicola - Queens of the Stone Age
Jacob's face at the window: Wish I may - Ani di Franco
Final credits: Drain you - Nirvana

Hmm that didn't really work although great final credits song. Need to work on that concept a little more...

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More Scott Pilgrim fun

Get Scott Pilgrimised here...

Come on... England...

This is for real from the Illawara Mercury...

I know it must be hard being a professional footballer. Having a natural gift that earns you millions to push a football around the field must be incredibly challenging. What I don't understand is if you take a couple of years on a World Cup campaign to finally reach the finals, after all that work and graft with the hopes of a nation riding on your shoulders, WHY would you decide to play like my nephew's under 5's team?

I'm talking England here. I'm used to disappointment being an England supporter but I'm especially grumpy as the time difference between Sydney and South Africa means the last two England means I needed to get up at 4:30am to watch the game live. And they were rubbish - no cohesion, no style... WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

Come on boys, all this lack of sleep is making me irritable and your performance isn't helping. If you can just remember that your are professional footballers, maybe just maybe, you'll remember how to win a game.

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I'm a driver, I'm a winner

Jon's new driving license photo...

I'm a lover, not a driver but at the grand old age of 36 I've decided to learn to drive. I've tried twice before. Once when I was seventeen and then again about 11 years ago. The first time, my teacher (not naming names but it was my Dad) took me out on the highway on my first lesson - that was after attempting a 3 point turn. It freaked me out so I didn't get back in a car as a driver for quite a while. I had some intermittent lessons during the 90's and then got my learners again in about 1999. I bought a $1000 car (Nissan Bluebird) that I was learning in - until I crashed it into the back of a parked car while attempting to park. Just a light bump, far more damage to my car than the other one but just enough to put me off again.

So, look out pedestrians and fellow motorists, I'm back. Apparently things have changed as I got into a friend's car for my first lesson today. I know the other times I'd attempted to learn I was driving manuals but today the car seemed weird. First off, you don't have to pump the accelerator when you start the car and where the hell is the choke? (more to the point, what the hell was the choke?) I think I'm freaked out by the lack of things to do in the car than what I can remember from learning before. Surely, driving a car is more complicated than playing Wii Super Mario Cart? Anyhow, we'll see if I get my license this time...

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PS for socceroo's fans, you got beat by one of the contenders to win the world cup - deal with it. You should be happy it was 4-0 and not the 6-0 I've been predicting all week. Silver linings and all that...

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Masterchef drinking game...

Sure fire road to alcoholism - drink a shot every time someone says the word 'beautiful.' I'm watching Masterchef right now and the word has been said 17 times in the last five minutes... Either they need to get a thesaurus or I'm going to need a new kidney...

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WHAT DID I JUST HEAR?

I was just enjoying the World Cup rock eisteddfod Opening Ceremony and they just had R. Kelly perform the world cup anthem. R. Kelly? Really? Say it ain't so...

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What is the issue with the cosmos?

As you may or may not know, I write for Blanket magazine and the latest issue is really, really great. Matter of fact, the weakest thing in the whole issue is my crappy story about my obssession with astrology. For serious - it is worth the download, some of the artworks this month are breath taking and it only costs $2 (and by the way, it's not all about astrology but space, time and stormtroopers as well).

What else? Superchunk are going to make me happy very soon. We just need an Australian tour now. I think the last time they were here was 1994 and I still remember that gig - one of the best I've seen which I think they would classify as one of their worst. They were beset by all these crazy problems (Mac's guitar strap broke, Laura broke a bass string) which led to all these hilarious solutions, punk rock style. I still remember Mac saying "We're not even on a major label so we don't have to be professional." I should really tell you about that gig sometime - it was amazing.

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geek out 2

Edgar Wright + Scott Pilgrim = awesome.

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In defence of Russell part 2: Is Russell Crowe the weirdest working class hero ever?

Part 2 of my ongoing obsession with people named Russell.

A few weeks ago, the new Robin Hood film starring Russell Crowe was released (I haven't seen it). It wasn't long before there was some story about how he blew up at some interviewer after suggesting Rusty had an Irish rather than English accent. I could care less and I find it depressing that whenever Crowe releases a film these days, there is an inevitable story of his bad behaviour (whether that's real or made up).

The reason I'm writing this is that I was thinking about Russell Crowe the other day and it occurred to me whenever shit to go down, he tends to be defending his work. Now I come from a working class background (I still hold those principles and attitudes but through my education and work it'd be insulting to real working class people to call myself that now) and I think it's always a pretentious thing to talk about class. However, one thing people of that class do is take their work and their identity from that work very seriously. And while Crowe isn't working class (he's a millionaire remember), when I hear him talk about his work, his attitude definitely is.

Now if you're not convinced by Crowe you just need to see Michael Mann's The Insider to show just how good an actor he is. But when I think about Russell Crowe's movies, I can't think of one movie where I could say 'he did it for the paycheck' because that guy never gives less than 100%. Even some of my most favourite actors (Pacino/de Niro, I'm looking at you guys) have done some absolute rubbish which they're obviously not into.

So what does this mean? Well, nothing really, but in my mind, Russell Crowe could just be the weirdest working class hero ever...

(That Russell Crowe is behind the resurgence of the Rabbitohs has nothing to do with my thinking here but that's pretty awesome in its own right).

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In defence of Russell part 1: Russell Hantz destroys Survivor for everyone

Please note: this post will be of no interest unless you watch Survivor...

Whatever you feel about reality television, it sure is enduring. The current season of Survivor that concludes tomorrow in Australia is its twentieth season which is incredible. However, I am of the belief that this season will finally put an end to the series, not literally – I’m sure it will continue for a few more years with increasingly diminishing returns but Survivor has reached its logical conclusion by virtue of one player – Russell Hantz or Evil Russell as he has better known in Australia.

Survivor is an interesting game in that it plays on the dynamics on individual players and puts them under incredible moral strain – inevitably the good will do something that compromises their values in order to move closer to the million dollar prize. And let us not forget, this is what the game is about - a slow crawl towards money. This is a game that rewards immorality, manipulation and deceit. This is why Russell is, to me at least, the logical conclusion of Survivor – here is a player who deals solely in immorality, manipulation and deceit. He didn’t get there through circumstance or the game – he entered Survivor fully aware of that was the game was played. He controlled the game from the moment he stepped on the island in Samoa in season 19. He actively made life miserable for his team, played people against each and removed contestants at will. He showed a level of initiative that now (after his performance in two seasons) seems to reveal all other players as amateurs – why after the show was on TV for so long that no other player had shown the insight to actively look for immunity idols as well as form complicated alliances that were weaved so tightly that there was barely any chance that he would be voted out. Russell Hantz is the ultimate survivor player.

Now I’m sure there is some debate about this but I think Russell effortlessly made his way into the final three in Samoa through audacity, cunning and at times, luck, but I tend to think he was so skillful in playing people against each other that the other players didn’t really have a clue what was going on half the time. Seriously, people were genuinely shocked by how he played but to me everytime he was on television, the screen lit up and he gave us one of the most beguiling and complex performances of modern reality television. Further, the next season – the Survivor all star Heroes vs Villains provided definitive proof that Russell was no pretender to the crown. At this point Russell had just finished Samoa and was drafted onto the next show almost immediately. Even though you could see exhaustion and cracks beginning to show, he was playing against some of the most seasoned played in the game and still made it to the final three again. Boston Rob, arguably one of the best players in the series, was side swiped early by Russell much to his disgust – Boston Rob was certain Russell was going home that night.

Sure, Russell could at times be an ugly bully and spiteful at the expense of his game plan but he effortlessly won both series by my vote. The problem with the format is that the jury that decides the winner is made up of contestants that have already been ousted – mainly by Russell. In this forum, his style of play will never win. But if these players could see beyond their own emotional reaction to their relationship with him and look at the situation pragmatically it comes down to this – if the motto of the program is to outplay, outwit and outlast your competitors, I’m sure that all would agree that Russell ran rings around them. And if they don’t, then they obviously don’t understand the dynamics of Survivor and SHOULD have been voted out anyhow.

So why do I find all this interesting? To me, it seems that Survivor was building to this point - that somehow in the 18 seasons leading up to this, it would create the ultimate player and unless they significantly change the game, I can't see how Survivor will survive Russell. No future player could play the game this way as any contestant worth their salt would have studied Russell's every move and be revealed quickly. Further, even if they did transparently borrow from Russell's game plan, it is hard to imagine anyone being able to replicate the bravado, sheer cheek and cunning that he displayed. To me, any future Survivor players would be living in Russell's shadow and it's hard to imagine that anyone could play the game as well or be so entertaining doing it. By Survivor allowing the ultimate competitor to take part in the game, it's hard to imagine that it can continue much further because every strategy and possible future direction has been usurped by a single player. Survivor never jumped the shark, the shark came looking for it.

So hat's off to Russell, no doubt the ultimate survivor who I think will lead to the end of the show itself and if you think about it, is pretty amazing.

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High on violet

I'm a big fan of Katie's blog and knowing she is a big fan of the National I was surprised to read that she was underwhelmed by their latest album, High Violet. I know that music is a subjective and personal thing but I'm a big fan of this record - I'm touting it as an early front runner for my album of the year. Originally, I was going to write something about how great I found it and encouraged by Katie to put my thoughts down about it, this is what I wrote:

Trying to wrap my head around how brilliant the new National album is a difficult process. I'll write a sentence and it seems ridiculous and not fully formed and I think this is because the album has such depth that it is evolving as I listen to it. For me, it is a glorious cocktail of everything that is right about the music I have loved for the last twenty years with nods to some great bands (probably totally imagined by me rather than through any fault of the National) but High Violet is something exceptionally original at the same time.

For me the sonic touchstones of this album are far ranging and I'm going to get a bit obtuse here so bear with me. One moment I'll hear the horns vs flawless crisp drums clash at the end of 'Bloodbuzz Ohio' that suggest a supercharged version of Mogwai's 'Burn Girl Prom-Queen'. Then, in the next instance I'll hear a slithering bass line reminiscent of Radiohead (eek, sorry readers - terrible comparison but apt) at their most interesting which is then overtaken by the greatest sneaky guitar line Robert Smith never wrote in 1986. There are so many reference points yet they sound like none of the bands I can hear in the music. At times the music contradicts itself in that it shouldn't work in unison but the sound is flawlessly idiosyncratic at every turn.

You'll notice all the bands I mentioned are from the UK and this is what is so confusing about the the National on this album. They are mining a certain territory of Americana alt-rock but sound so far from that sound (as opposed to hacks like Wilco or Calexico), that they almost sound like a British band covering that musical territory. And what a glorious sound it is. While most of the songs are mid-tempo, there is nothing plodding about them. There is an urgency and claustophobia to much of the music but also a dynamic range - drums drop out at odd times, harmoniums drone with intent, distortion sparks and bursts across these sonic landscapes unexpectedly. Strangely, the drums are probably one of the most interesting instruments on the album. They are a million miles from 4/4 time - they shuffle, break and pound like Jim White at his Dirty Three height but the songs here are so complete that it's easy to miss just how weird the drumming is sometimes.

As to the what Matt Berninger is singing about is anyone's guess but there is a definite sense of tension and edge to the songs. What haunts the songs is a sense of loss, addiction and fear. "It’s a terrible love and I’m walking with spiders" doesn't really make a lot of sense but when the song breaks open with the line "And I can’t fall asleep without a little help" hints at the troubles to come. That fear is repeated time and again throughout the lyrics. Berninger sings that sorrow "put me on the pills." The protection and loss of control in 'Afraid of Everyone' hints at deeper tensions:

With my kid on my shoulders I try
Not to hurt anybody I like
But I don’t have the drugs to sort (it out)

The classic reading would be to say this is a break up album when he sings "I don't want to get over you" on 'Sorrow' but a closer reading of the lyrics belies a deeper hurt and fear - not just personal but a wider, societal panic and loss gripping the song's protagonist(s). But s/he is not awash with misery, they play a part in the events unfolding on the album's songs, the coldly brutal line in 'Little Faith' leads the way, "I set a fire just to see what it kills." Berninger's haunting baritone rallies and seduces and the vocals are given a certain hypnotic quality as there is a lot of repetition of key phrases and sounds. The line "Your voice is swallowing my soul, soul, soul" would sound ridiculous sung by anyone else but there is no doubting the conviction or fierceness of it's delivery - his voice sounds fantastic.

Again, it's hard to say exactly what is at the root of the lyrics but the references to family, sacrifice and lost love create a complex patchwork of emotions. At times, it is defeatist and miserablist but the final words that run through the soft waltz 'Vanderlyle Crybaby Geeks' seem to present the key to the album "All the very best of us string ourselves up for love." Anyone who is gripped by the complexities of day to day life should relate to this: the challenges of love, the grip of depression and loss, the fight of emotional and substance addiction with the self doubt and recriminations of the decisions we make. In the end, it is a very adult album dealing with issues that are hard and certainly downbeat but there is a lot to love in the webs that Berninger has weaved.



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Bienale destruction...

Make your own animation

Make your own animation
This weekend I went to part of the Bienale on Cockatoo Island. My favourite work was a car exploding through space which was made by Cai Guo-Qiang. Essentially it's a number of cars suspended in a huge warehouse giving the impression of a slow motion explosion. I made a couple short gifs of a few of my photos to give you an idea. It's pretty amazing. Here's some other photos:




Free ferry there too - well worth checking out.

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A couple of people have asked why I haven't been blogging of late. The short answer is that I'm experimenting with my writing in a bid to move in a more creative direction - with my work, writing and all that comes with it. At this point, I'm probably going to write a few popular culture pieces and post them as I wok on my style. You'll have to stick with me during this difficult in-between blog stage. Sorry about that...

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The one time I don't have my camera

Tonight, I stood at railway square watching the sun set while thousands of bats flew towards the sun WHILE listening to Batcat by Mogwai on my ipod. Perfectly creepy and creepily perfect in every way.

HAIL SATAN!

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First we take Manhatten...

I tried to link this video but couldn't get it to work but check it out - amazing. I wish I was talented like that. CLICK HERE.

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Thought of the day

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Thought of the day

I can't make any jokes about ending up in a Shanghai jail for ten years but one thing that has entranced me about the Stern Hu affair is his name. I mean, how awesome is the name Stern? If I have a kid, it's on the list of potential names...

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Thought of the day

You know that guy Toady from neighbours? That guy ain't ever quitting. Where else could he work where he'd get paid so much money to be so bad? I don't think Kmart would employ that guy. (That being said, one of those guys from Heartbreak High used to tend drinks at my local pub... I think it was Rivers who is now on Neighbours - small world...).

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Nerd heaven

I'm a simple man. I like books, comics, movies, music and games. So today was a great day. First, I got to listen to the new Deftones album which is great. If I said Deftones are this awesome metal band you'd probably stop reading so I won't say that but I've been a fan for a long time so I'm stoked.

Also, I'm a big fan of the Scott Pilgrim comic books. They're this very funny pop-culture-romance-battle-of-the-bands-video-game-referencing comic bookd (5 so far) and they've been made into a movie. Firstly, it's directed by Edgar Wright who made Shaun of the Dead. Second, I rarely get tired of Michael Cera. And thirdly, for Arrested Development nerds, Roxanne Richter (one of Scott's nemeses in the movie) is played by the actress who played Anne in AD. Perfect. Anyhow, just watch the clip and you'll get why I'm in nerd heaven today.


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Real estate update

My house hunt continues. This morning I'd been trawling the internet for about an hour until I realised I'd been calmly repeating over and over "Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!" for a good twenty minutes. Once you do this for a few weeks, you recognise a number of the same places but what's interesting is how they fluctuate. For example, there's a place in Newtown which I've actually visited as a potential renter years ago - it's a pretty art deco house converted into flats. What made it so memorable was that a cupboard was converted into the bathroom (and when I say cupboard, I mean a little one, not a Narnia sized one). Anyhow, it was advertised last week for $289,000. Today it is updated to $340,000... FUCK YOU! Real estate in Sydney suuuuuuuuuucks!

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Riiiiiight!

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When nerds attack...

It probably says too much about me that I'm able to sit down and watch a seventy minute critique of the Phantom Menace (Star Wars nerd alert!). But it's the funniest, most incisive critique of modern blockbusters I've seen (with a serial killer subplot) ever and worth watching if you're even vaguely interested in film. This is part 1 of 7. Highly recommended.

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Kids in the kitchen

So living alone there is no one to impress with your culinary skills, no one to share your meal with and really no need to go over the top. Often, dinner is toast with something out of a can. What can I say? I'm lazy.

But lately I've been seized by a bout of nostalgia about my trip to Cambodia, specifically the food there. It was a world of exotic spices, meats and vegetables cooked into these flagrant, amazing dishes. Probably some of the most beautiful food I've ever eaten. On the top of my list was this very subtle yellow curry called Amok that was generally served in banana leaves with a steamed meat (generally fish but I had it with chicken).

Today, courtesy of the internet, I got all inspired, found a recipe and made my own version of the curry which is pictured below.



And you know what, it was ok. It was missing... something. It wasn't quite right but as a first pass it was pretty good I thought.


Unfortunately, I had to destroy my entire kitchen making it. It's just taken me an hour to clean up. Cooking with more than three ingredients is messy.

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Some people are clever...

This won't work on here but worth watching if you're a nerd...

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Game playing

Pitchfork is a place I visit everyday and I simultaneously love it and hate it. I like finding new music and news form them but then at the same time I find its blatant hipsterism offensive and predictable.

Lately, when there is an album review of a band I know - I try to guess the score before I click on it to see just how predictable they have become. Most of the time I'm pretty close. For example, I clicked on the new Broken Bells album yesterday, guessed 6.8 and it was 7.2. I was way off with the Gorillaz album, I said 5.4 and they gave it 8.5. But I did pretty well with the rest BRMC (JH 5.2/PF 4.0), Liars (JH7.5/PF 8.1), Pavement (JH9.0/PF10.0).

Of course, this is mostly without hearing a single note of music. I base it on my understanding of the band, how they are perceived generally and what Pitchfork's feeling is for them. For example, I don't really like Pavement but PF's slavish devotion to their reunion tipped me off their Greatest Hits would be a high, high number.

Ahh, the little games we play...

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